I´ve spent all my life putting others before myself but now I´ve had enough.
Always have other peoples need come before my own needs and interest.
What has it given me? Nothing.
Why is it that it´s always I that have to sacrifice, pay out and fix things? I don´t owe anyone anything and yet it always magically falls upon me to fix what´s wrong in other peoples lives.
I never hesitate to help others out financially, emotionally, through work, tough times and what not. What have I got to show for it?
Many people have used my good will and intention, many have abused my trust because it have benefited themselves.
You know what? People suck.
Like I said, I never hesitated to help out anyone. Even if it left me fucking broke.
Well, that time is over now. I´ve had enough of that bullshit.
It´s time I start putting my money on the only horse I can trust. Me!
First time around I didn´t finish college the normal way because I was too busy helping people I thought were friends. Then they just left me behind.
I worked so much to save up my cash! I went through the Army because it gave me a place to stay while I had a rough time with my family, because there was nowhere else to go. I learned a damn lot yes, I was going to be shipped out but I decided on a little leap of faith. I applied for college but I expected to be turned down. Then I did get in, I got ordered to go to school by my commanding officer because he thought I was worthy of education. I did two college years in 8months, I graduated and I have the diploma. Studying did drain my financials, yes. But finally I did get on better terms with my family in the end. With my parents it has never been better and I truly am thankful for this.
Well guess what, the things I want to study and do in life doesn´t bring in any real cash. But you know what it will do? It will let me do things I´ve wanted to do for over 10years. So why can´t I do it yet? Because, money and work doesn´t let me.
With my skill-set I´m born the wrong sex and in the wrong century.
Guess what I figured? My happiness needs to come first from now on.
I´ve never hesitated to shell out for others while I was deadly scared of spending anything at all on myself. Yes, I spoil people I care about. But now it´s time I start spoiling myself instead.
First I will stop eating the shitty food and snacks others expect me to eat for ´social acceptance´.
From now on I will eat what I want and consider to be good and healthy food!
I will work out how I want, when I want. Workout doesn´t require you to have a gym membership!
I will book that muscle therapist I´ve been looking at for the past 4years. I will get my neck, shoulders, back whatever I want fixed, because I´m tired of this shit.
I will get my drivers license in order!
I will get a dog or even two if I want or feel like it.
I will travel where I want and when I want, alone if I feel like it even, because I can´t keep waiting for everyone else to clear up their time, finances bla bla bla. Stop making excuses! I´m going where I want!
I will stop giving away my sun for the moon! I´m going to reverse my insomnia and get on the timezone I live in, so I can finally be fucking productive before I go to work. I´m going to stop being up after midnight!
I will draw, paint, do art when I get the urge. I will write what I want to write.
I´m going to fucking play the games I have dusting in my shelf! Why buy them if I´m not going to play them?
I´m going to sell the stuff I don´t ever use, that is just sitting here and taking up space. Fuck nostalgia.
Most of all:
I will do things that makes me happy.
This journal entry will be my reminder of what I got to do.
I´m in charge of my own life! I´m not letting anyone take advantage of my kindness anymore.
Support yourself! Don´t expect others to fix your life for you! Man (or woman) the fuck up!